wait

drinking shock top after work by myself. i feel like such a man. having a full time job will be an interesting change in my life. shadowing today, people seemed rather impressed with how quickly i grasped things. one of my mates even took it upon himself to give himself props for putting in a good word for me, which is awesome, because i am forever grateful since this is a job that proves more meaningful than the others, but at what point am i allowed to credit myself? i'm just kidding, this is the shock top speaking. and my ego, which very rarely makes an appearance, actually. so.... hello, kind stranger.

i have been reading things that have made me sort of frightened. these "things" being actual passages of how these people truly feel that i have grown to know so dearly. i would like to start out by saying:

• no. you've got it all wrong. i don't know who "they" are when they say "there's someone for everyone" but that's not true. saying that, and believing that, gives you a source of entitlement. no one is entitled to any person or object. that is my belief. i think once you have gotten the chance to find something or someone that you feel so wholly "belongs" to you, or rather, becomes such a large part of you, you should feel so, so grateful. there are so few people in the world that can actually live every day and say that they've experienced that kind of connection. i live each day believing that everything is a blessing, and that nothing worth having comes easy, which is what i believe that phrase to actually mean. i guess that means i have very little feeling in the definition of "fate".... which comes in handy right now as i re-watch the LOST series.  john locke states in this particular episode of season 3, "don't mistake coincidence with fate." i'm sorry mr. locke, but i can't say i agree with that. but i think that goes into a deeper level of things. and i'm a little inebriated to define those things at the moment.
• my sister is the most serious of serial daters. i think the opposite sex gives me a migraine. it physically doesn't, actually, at the moment, but the thought of "dating" or what people misconstrue or decide to define as "dating" is so moronic, i don't get the appeal. at all. it makes all the sense in the world to start out as friends, and have something click, that just grows into something stronger. but i guess that's what makes dating such a big "thing".. and i guess putting it that way makes it sound so "easy" but as per bulletin 1, nothing worth having comes easy. if dating were so easy, it wouldn't be a thing. but i digress. dating is so stupid. i don't care how many dudes at work i find attractive, (2),  i can't fathom actually trying to "put myself out there" in order for someone else to deem me "worthy." fuck. that. noise. i am awesome, all on my own, without anyone's approval (i mean, of course my family and friends' opinions matter to me to some degree) and fuck. what. you. think.
• jealousy. holy shit. i had no idea how "big" this "thing" is!! it is astonishing how much pride someone can have for oneself. or rather no pride. i...... i don't know. i'm at a loss for words. i keep going into something with a problem a friend or sister will have, and i will have no idea what to say that would be helpful. it just doesn't make sense. jealousy makes zero sense to me. but i can say with my bit of experience i have in the actual "dating" world, jealousy kind of comes with the territory. but in my defense, i had all the reason in the world to be "jealous" if that's even what i was. ok. yeah. i was totally jealous, there's no way of going around that. but then again. i could make all the excuses in the world about jealousy or why this happened or why that was like that, but it wouldn't mean anything.

go figure that 2012 happens to be the year i feel the most free. the year i feel the most like myself, and all the things i am able to accomplish, or at least to take the first steps. but here we are, and sandy's about to go HAM on the east coast. which may or may not even mean that the apocalypse is in full bloom. or whatever.

i miss going to school. i feel so uneducated. but at least i've got ideaaaaaaaas.

people are seriously voting for mitt romney this year, aren't they? ohhhh my achy, breaky heart.

i don't think i will make it to mumford & sons this month. this is such devastating news.

i've decided i am never falling in love ever the fuck again.

i have had a genuinely good day, every day, for the past three consecutive weeks. i don't know what it is, or why, but i dare not question it. i am so, so grateful.

this is shock top #4.

"i will wait, i will wait, for youuuuuuuuuuuuu." - mumford

if you are reading this, tell me how you feel.......... i feel like i haven't actually completely conversed with someone in such a long time. i don't think i've had a real conversation that took longer than a minute, in forever, since MARY! holy hell, i miss mary!!!!!!!