i wanted more
i wanted more you, and me, and time
i wanted more to say
i wanted less to think, and less space between us

nothing is ever simple!!

moonrise kingdom. wes anderson always moves me. i don't care how pretentious it sounds.

filmit

Last of the New Years photos. Might I add that I am 100% in love with the Wheelock sisters.

Betsy Betserella

Half Gama

Play that funky music

I miss you, LA.....

Oceanside beachside bar.

En route to CoCo

Filthy animals

Oceanside beachside bar with Sandra and Robert *when he and I were still friends.

Celebrating Carlos's fight. Beer and dancing.

We know who won this round.....

Willow's attempt

A better version

Gem faire

Beach day - Lexi & Alex

Beach day - most of the gang

Beach day - paparazzi shot

Beach day

Beach day - HI-YAH!

Beach day - munching on pineapple and my spiderman blanket

Beach day - Christine on her island

Beach day - Andrew and his muscles

It's 3:30 AM, I have to be ready by 9. I will add more photos later, at a more reasonable time. Because before work, just doesn't sound reasonable to me.

Nein

Hard as I may try, I don't think I'll ever understand how a person just ISN'T into music. How can people just deny the strong emotions they feel when a certain scene in a movie plays the perfect song? Think about that scene without the song. The impact wOuld undoubtedly cease tO be the same. How do people just deny feeling what they feel? I don't know if I'm envious at the ability or if I'm genuinely curious. Just do whatever the fuck makes you happy, right? $50 on film development. Twelve god damn rolls to scan one by one. And that's all for now.

“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?”

- Don DeLillo

rorrim

i've started working.
i've also kickstarted an addiction to ebay.
i crave hearing the ocean.
and good hangs with the good friends.
and new adventures.
and laughter that hurts you in the gut.
i want forgiveness.
and experience.
and acceptance.
and solace.
and gratitude.
and my tax refund.

although they are just text on a screen, reading your words takes me home.

i am trying different ways to get organized. i wonder when i am going back to school. i guess that's up to me, isn't it.. my life these days is so boring. but that is peaceful to me. i used to get news alerts on my phone because i hated not knowing current events, but all i ever got were headlines that talked about mass killings or suicide bombings and while that is the tragic truth of real things that are happening, i personally can't do anything to stop this. and i hated it. so much.

today i gave someone $7 for gas money. i was robbed.

wish i was more selfless. sorry mom and dad.

note to self: take more pictures.

TLDR; bye.

I wish people didn't turn a blind eye to a lot of the horrible things happening. But I also wish people didn't jump on board to every last media schpeel. I also would like to ask why birth control is even an issue. Not so much this week, as there is a new issue every other week. Maybe I am looking for something to talk about. No, I will not re-post your Kony video.

I have recently seen The Skin I'm In which is a foreign film which was nicely executed but creepy and just super weird but kind of funny in a sick, twisted way. Antonio Banderas' accent. I can't. It's nothing compared to Esteban's from Weeds. His accent. Oye.

I have also just recently seen Something Borrowed which I've decided is so stupid, I can't even handle it. BUT JOHN KRASINSKI, my love....... It is basically about two people who are too big of cowards to let themselves feel what they feel for each other, which of course is a timeless tale, but, I mean, they're 30 years old... And John Krasinski gets the shit end of the stick for being the voice of reason and at the end also being the most vulnerable. Boys, don't allow yourself to fall for stupid chicks. And if you do, don't wait for them. And ladies, do not allow yourselves to be strung along while this asshole gets his cake and eats it too. That unrequited love story that I know all too well, it's not worth it..

I don't want to be missed just because you need someone to listen to all your shit and then don't wait to hear about me.

I don't want to hold all your bags anymore.

We talk every day, but I still wish you said more.

When did I become so... Empty.

TL;DR writing about nothing

I think it's funny that some people have a blog to write somewhere that is "private"...... BUT THIS IS THE INTERNET, BRO! Not a darn thing is private. And sometimes you learn that the hard way.

I am trying to fight the fact that I am listening to fun.'s new album so I can try to express every last emotion I am feeling, but I can't! The desire to dance. Is. Too. Strong.

I am bothered that I have all this film to develop, but no means or modes of transportation to take me to get them developed. I am also bothered that my macaroni tasted like crap today. I am annoyed that Midnight In Paris didn't get more Oscar nods, but everyone in the Academy is at least 87 years old, probably. I am annoyed that Rick Santorum exists. I am bothered that I cannot channel anything inside me to even try to write in prose. Everything I am currently typing is the result of thoughts from my brain vomiting its way out through my fingers onto this keyboard, onto this screen. And onto your eyeballs assuming you've made it this far. (Kudos.)

I don't know why people are going crazy over "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye. I can't find anything too interesting about the song, and the best part is the verse the girl sings.

Maybe it's a good thing that I currently can't allow myself to be vulnerable. It's a strange feeling though. Recently my friend had complained about family troubles and it made me think about myself and how my family troubles all seemed to have disappeared for a bit. Perhaps it is because I have not seen or talked to them in a few days or so, but I think I'll take it.

Since our TV can connect to the Internet, I decided to youtube Kenny songs since I got word that he released a new demo. And my mom came downstairs in the middle of it and saw the screen which just said "WAKING UP by DAPHNE LOVES DERBY" and so my mom looks at me and goes, "Who is that? I know them..." -___- My mother doesn't know me at all. Well, Mother, perhaps you recognize that name because I have only been obsessed with them since I was 13. (Mostly from the time I was 13 all the way to, say, about 16, but still clearly and unfortunately devoted.) And you've driven Christine and I to Huntington Beach so we could watch them play a second time in a row. Like a boss.

Also in the midst of discovering how this "Youtube on TV" thing works, I was able to experience Daphne in a way I never have before and it was quite refreshing. I wish I knew of a way to describe it. I took to my twitter but it was too much to handle, I am so embarrassed by how crazy I got. Which reminds me, why did I take Julian to see Kenny with me? Ugh, gross.

I am thinking about you a lot more frequently and while I don't like it, it almost doesn't hurt as badly. Also this strange time in my life, I feel like I am void of a lot of feelings. Like, I don't even remember what it feels like to have something to look forward to. I don't remember what it feels like to look at someone's smile and feel giddy over it, and then giggle uncontrollably. I don't want to say I am numb, because I'm not down. I am just void of human emotion these days, which sucks. Having crushes was fun, man. It wasn't anything serious, it was just something that distracted me from all the Julian shit. And while we can say we still keep in touch, it's not like we have anything to really say to each other. I miss getting to know someone, having any sort of connection, with anybody. I will say that I find it easier to talk to girls than to boys.. which sort of surprised me, but not really at the same time.

A lot of my current friends are jerks. Robert and Willow can really be assholes sometimes. Or at least the time frame I can accept being around them together is getting smaller. Because they're always the same, but I guess once they do the same stuff enough times, it starts to really irk you.

There was this dude at Tim's the other night and I thought he was cute but maybe it was his eyebrows, but it was because he somewhat sort of looks like Chris Carrabba and then I've decided he really wasn't cute. But also because he looked douchey.

Also the finale of Six Feet Under was beautifully executed. Not the entire finale, but mainly the last few minutes. And of fucking course they had to do that in the tune of Sia's "Breathe Me" which makes just about everyone want to kill themselves.

Mumford & Sleep. Okay then.