"stay safe"

it feels really hard to breathe lately.
and it's not from of the amount of cigarettes smoked daily
or the lack of water in my system
or the surplus of consumed alcohol
or the residue of burnt embers from the wildfires this week

but of the strain to find the right words to reach you.
ninety-five percent of the contents inside the vessel that pumps blood in my chest,
to the very tips of my fingers,
will never find its way to you;
and it's from the barriers you've put between us.
barriers i've long tried to break down
to no avail.
i won't dare stop.
i will huff, and i will puff;
until you disallow me to continue.
i know you are frightened, dear.
i am, too.
but i won't let you jump alone.
i will never let you feel alone.

we had potential to be monumental

I am in the weirdest, most difficult transitional phase of my life that I have ever been through. None of it matters in the grand scheme of things, and they're all only personal problems. But no one taught me how to cope with a broken heart.

I'm pretty sure Scottie only hangs out with me because a) I'm always down and b) he just really wants to see my best friend. That's wack.

I've made an observation, though. I think deep down, "you" are really unhappy. You put on this facade of being positive all the time and looking to the light of things, but I think you are really just unhappy. And since I've met you in November, I've grown to love you, and I've grown to know you. It gets so sad to watch you sometimes. You can just tell, that there's been a bad taste in your mouth over everything. I don't know what it is that makes you so unhappy all the time, I only know that I'm not what you need, let alone what you want. I'll learn that in time, on my own. Occasional drunk talks between us, those kill me more than they heal me. But despite all that, you will always be my favorite person.

I've made face with another gentleman, who I've discovered to be nothing more than.... how do I make this kosher...... nothing more than a little bitch.

All these grown ass men chasing young ass girls, because it's easy. Because they have the power. Oh men, they LOVE that, don't they...

I have a coworker who is Indian. She was born in India and came to the states about 7 or so years ago. She's a year younger than I am, so I'm going to go with the statement that she grew up in the western world. She and I got to talking earlier today about arranged marriages, and how she doesn't agree with them. While I want to say that I can mostly agree with her, at least to the sentiment that I would never be involved in one, I have to say, I don't find them all that bad. People are faced with so much freedom, and so many choices, that they don't know what to do with themselves a lot of the time. And with that, often make mistakes that could have easily been avoided. Because we all know that we know better. But it takes that experience. People fight and break up all the time, people date for years and years and get married, and divorce, and maybe it's because they held on to what used to be. Because they can't get past the reality of the situation now, because they can't accept growing older, and the more adult problems they probably face. In a way, arranged marriages fixes that. You don't know the person ahead of time, yet you spend the rest of your life with this person. In a perfect world, you learn to love this person, and you learn to grow with them and have a family, because the choice is already made for you. In a way, arranged marriages saves you from all the bullshit. You learn how to just be happy with what you've got. But by no means do I support settling. I just have a fucked up view of love.

Take homeboy for example. He broke up with his girlfriend of almost 2 years. Dude's 23, she's 18. First of all, what the fuck are you thinking dating a baby? Anyway. So they broke up and he's got girls up the ass throwing themselves at him. And he's "certain" that he's done with his ex once and for all. Yet here he is, talking to her every day, hanging out with her, and when shit gets real and maybe she decides to talk to him about getting back together, he backs out and says he doesn't want to hurt her. Well what the fuck do you think talking to her every day and hanging out with her does? Sometimes you need to hurt people. To move on. Because now you're just stuck. Stuck with the same issue that hasn't been properly dealt with, all because you're a little bitch. No, I'm sorry, that makes you an asshole. Someones feelings are at stake. You're being a selfish fuck because this is familiar, and this is easy for you. And I feel sorry for you. Poor girl has no idea.

I told my supervisors that I was pretty sure I'm getting fired hahahaha. It's not really a joke, I'm actually totally serious when I say that. But I will let the chips fall where they may. They have assured me that is not the case. Then my argument to that is why are you always on my ass?!

I haven't written anything real in so long.

"Find what you love, and let it kill you." - Bukowski

rorrim

i've started working.
i've also kickstarted an addiction to ebay.
i crave hearing the ocean.
and good hangs with the good friends.
and new adventures.
and laughter that hurts you in the gut.
i want forgiveness.
and experience.
and acceptance.
and solace.
and gratitude.
and my tax refund.

although they are just text on a screen, reading your words takes me home.

i am trying different ways to get organized. i wonder when i am going back to school. i guess that's up to me, isn't it.. my life these days is so boring. but that is peaceful to me. i used to get news alerts on my phone because i hated not knowing current events, but all i ever got were headlines that talked about mass killings or suicide bombings and while that is the tragic truth of real things that are happening, i personally can't do anything to stop this. and i hated it. so much.

today i gave someone $7 for gas money. i was robbed.

wish i was more selfless. sorry mom and dad.

note to self: take more pictures.

The Yellow Deli

How is it that I have lived most of my life in San Diego and still know close to nothing about it? Today's exciting venture: The Yellow Deli. Granted this place has only been open for two years, but it was the area around it that I have never seen before. Right off the Vista Village Dr. exit, where the Krikorian Theater is, among other shops, there is this quaint peaceful hippie little area where this deli sits next to a small thrift store and a beading/fabric store that I also need to add to the list of future ventures. (The only time I remember going on Vista Village Drive was to visit Oscar at his "summer camp" aka jail.)

The only description I could think of is "Harry Potter meets Woodstock." Online, Christine found a Lord of the Rings reference that she thought was funny, which I am sure it is, but I have not seen the films.

This place is open Sunday afternoon all the way to Friday at 3pm, all 24 hours. So that is exciting. The food is all home made and they use fresh produce and all that junk. The drinks they also make themselves. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE THEY MADE THEMSELVES? THE ENTIRE BUILDING!! All the chairs, the wood, the steel!! I am in awe. When I looked at the menu, my mind immediately went to Charlavail because it looks like something she would enjoy. They only have about 8 locations, two of which are in California -- and the California locations are in Vista and Valley Center! Take that LA and San Francisco! Hesse and I have a friend-date there soon.

Christine has an iPhone now so I get to instagram on the go heh heh heh.

nueve meses

In the amount of time it takes for new life to begin, I'm still trying to forget the one that existed before this. The one I knew every day for three years. And all the miles and seconds in the world that pass by can't erase each now meaningless memory. Truth be told I found a home in you, and perhaps I should be grateful for that. I read a novel about a girl in hell who said her handicap was thinking. Well, then I suppose mine is feeling.

I think I've been fooling myself by saying it hasn't gotten easier. It obviously has. Some days I forget it ever happened. But then there are those days. Those days like today where the universe decides it is time to relive it, and remember each instance that brought me to where I am today. I can picture every last memory that I wish I never had, and it consumes me so much sometimes that it gets hard to breathe.

And then I get a butt-dial and I am so entirely grateful that I can forget for only a moment that I was ever hurt.

(It is freezing. I ate soup earlier. I burnt my tongue. Soup is so delicious.)
(Some of the most foul things I've ever heard have come from my stepdad's mouth when he's playing Madden alone in his upstairs bedroom.)

Famiry

So my family decided to make a facebook group dedicated entirely to our family. Every day (it's only been up less than a week, but some of these people live on facebook and are completely utilizing this annoying feature on this damn social network website clogging my feed with memories from their childhood that they ALREADY talk about in real life all the time).. As I was saying, every day someone posts a topic for everyone to comment on and give their take. I try to avoid this page at all costs. But these notifications get sent to my cell phone!!

Today was about me. FYI, my middle name is Farr but it is pronounced Fa and that is the name that my entire family calls me by. (Christmas sucks with "Deck the Halls.")

Here's a little taste of me, the way my family views me:

'

I, apparently, am a hateful little thing. Who bites people.

Can I just take a second to defend myself? My sister and I were fighting that day and she was digging her nails into my arm and I couldn't do much but do what I did. Ugh.

This does not do much defending.

I am ashamed.

-___-

but really, when do i ever sleep?

digital spam

Escondido Fair:

Part of me likes the larger version of this picture. But hello there, smog.

Balloon fun

I also like the larger size of this picture.

No comment.

Minus the Bear:

In the larger version you are able to see more colors!

Do you see all these colors? Seww mennnyyy kuleurzzzz!~






It stops being fun the moment it starts becoming real. And all you're left with is yourself.

I can feel me getting too emotionally invested into whatever this even is. I know that because I will get slightly more sensitive and paranoid that whatever your replies are, are about me. I know this because I am getting stupid-girl crazy again. Butmaybeitsjustthehormones. I'm also doing that whole "reading more into things"....... like, "you said this, but what DOES IT MEAN??!!" Just that.

My thoughts and feelings are so fucking loud it is drowning out any ounce of rationalization I have left.
Zen, man. I need zen. Maybe that comes in the form of 1Q83 and jazz. Or Jonsi.

You grow like tornado

Destroy everything through

Destroy from the inside

Gnome

This is the only picture I have access to of said Halloween costume since I did not (surprisingly) take pictures. So it looks awful. Because I wore my regular clothes. With a felt hat. And a "Strudel Beard" from Spirit Halloween store.

I don't even like this picture!

Minus The Bear - mobile edition

Saux menny kuleurzzz!~

Sometimes I hate shows, concerts, events involving large crowds (with or without assigned seating) because you tend to forget that most people in the world are not 4'9 1/2" and so I spend either a lot of time dodging head shadows or on tippy toes.
Also it irks me when I see couples at shows. Not because I'm jealous, at all, by any means, but because, I mean how can you enjoy a show, with the room being as hot as it is already, with someone hanging onto you the entire time? It baffles me. Extra body heat, no thank you! I remember I went to a show with Julian once, and, no. Just, no. Anyway, Julian who? right? (Plus I think I am a lot more sensitive to heat because I hate the heat but I lovessss the cold.)
I so0o0o0o0o0oooooo0000o0o enjoyed dancing by myself! How do people stand so stiff the entire time? Head knods and feet tapping, they just don't do the whole ~concert experience~ any justice.

So on a scale of 1-10, how obnoxious do I find myself right now?

Dear Cold that I currently have since all Hallow's Eve,
Beat it.
xx