"stay safe"

it feels really hard to breathe lately.
and it's not from of the amount of cigarettes smoked daily
or the lack of water in my system
or the surplus of consumed alcohol
or the residue of burnt embers from the wildfires this week

but of the strain to find the right words to reach you.
ninety-five percent of the contents inside the vessel that pumps blood in my chest,
to the very tips of my fingers,
will never find its way to you;
and it's from the barriers you've put between us.
barriers i've long tried to break down
to no avail.
i won't dare stop.
i will huff, and i will puff;
until you disallow me to continue.
i know you are frightened, dear.
i am, too.
but i won't let you jump alone.
i will never let you feel alone.

cocoa loco

since we last left off:

• my best friend has already gone on her europe vacation and come back (last night actually)
• i have not been fired (yet)
• i introduced greg to maya and eli and now theyre all in love together and they even hang out without me these days ugh atrocious.
• still not over homeboy 1, or homeboy 2
• became besties with twitter again
• i listen to a lot of hip hop again, this is weird...
• "bubble butt" is both the best song and worst song ever
• i've been really enjoying my work lately.
• let me elaborate: i think i got used to the politics i see every day and i just ignore it. i show up, i do my work, i charm the fuck out of my guests, and hope i balance. i leave you alone, you leave me alone.
• yesterday i banged my finger against the wall and the pool table. it hurts so bad. but i beat greg hahahaha. it's swollen and purple right now and this happened over 12 hours ago. i hope i just need to ice it.
• i need to go shopping for maya's birthday.
• i'm leaving for dim sum soon.

i spit too much realness on twitter.

i'm really happy my best friend is back from europe.

whoever you are, wherever you are, i love you.

we had potential to be monumental

I am in the weirdest, most difficult transitional phase of my life that I have ever been through. None of it matters in the grand scheme of things, and they're all only personal problems. But no one taught me how to cope with a broken heart.

I'm pretty sure Scottie only hangs out with me because a) I'm always down and b) he just really wants to see my best friend. That's wack.

I've made an observation, though. I think deep down, "you" are really unhappy. You put on this facade of being positive all the time and looking to the light of things, but I think you are really just unhappy. And since I've met you in November, I've grown to love you, and I've grown to know you. It gets so sad to watch you sometimes. You can just tell, that there's been a bad taste in your mouth over everything. I don't know what it is that makes you so unhappy all the time, I only know that I'm not what you need, let alone what you want. I'll learn that in time, on my own. Occasional drunk talks between us, those kill me more than they heal me. But despite all that, you will always be my favorite person.

I've made face with another gentleman, who I've discovered to be nothing more than.... how do I make this kosher...... nothing more than a little bitch.

All these grown ass men chasing young ass girls, because it's easy. Because they have the power. Oh men, they LOVE that, don't they...

I have a coworker who is Indian. She was born in India and came to the states about 7 or so years ago. She's a year younger than I am, so I'm going to go with the statement that she grew up in the western world. She and I got to talking earlier today about arranged marriages, and how she doesn't agree with them. While I want to say that I can mostly agree with her, at least to the sentiment that I would never be involved in one, I have to say, I don't find them all that bad. People are faced with so much freedom, and so many choices, that they don't know what to do with themselves a lot of the time. And with that, often make mistakes that could have easily been avoided. Because we all know that we know better. But it takes that experience. People fight and break up all the time, people date for years and years and get married, and divorce, and maybe it's because they held on to what used to be. Because they can't get past the reality of the situation now, because they can't accept growing older, and the more adult problems they probably face. In a way, arranged marriages fixes that. You don't know the person ahead of time, yet you spend the rest of your life with this person. In a perfect world, you learn to love this person, and you learn to grow with them and have a family, because the choice is already made for you. In a way, arranged marriages saves you from all the bullshit. You learn how to just be happy with what you've got. But by no means do I support settling. I just have a fucked up view of love.

Take homeboy for example. He broke up with his girlfriend of almost 2 years. Dude's 23, she's 18. First of all, what the fuck are you thinking dating a baby? Anyway. So they broke up and he's got girls up the ass throwing themselves at him. And he's "certain" that he's done with his ex once and for all. Yet here he is, talking to her every day, hanging out with her, and when shit gets real and maybe she decides to talk to him about getting back together, he backs out and says he doesn't want to hurt her. Well what the fuck do you think talking to her every day and hanging out with her does? Sometimes you need to hurt people. To move on. Because now you're just stuck. Stuck with the same issue that hasn't been properly dealt with, all because you're a little bitch. No, I'm sorry, that makes you an asshole. Someones feelings are at stake. You're being a selfish fuck because this is familiar, and this is easy for you. And I feel sorry for you. Poor girl has no idea.

I told my supervisors that I was pretty sure I'm getting fired hahahaha. It's not really a joke, I'm actually totally serious when I say that. But I will let the chips fall where they may. They have assured me that is not the case. Then my argument to that is why are you always on my ass?!

I haven't written anything real in so long.

"Find what you love, and let it kill you." - Bukowski

oh, internet..........

today i got sad at work. i think i feel like i don't have anything to look forward to anymore; that i've gotten a glimpse of my full time work life and i've decided that this was it. *shrug*

wait

drinking shock top after work by myself. i feel like such a man. having a full time job will be an interesting change in my life. shadowing today, people seemed rather impressed with how quickly i grasped things. one of my mates even took it upon himself to give himself props for putting in a good word for me, which is awesome, because i am forever grateful since this is a job that proves more meaningful than the others, but at what point am i allowed to credit myself? i'm just kidding, this is the shock top speaking. and my ego, which very rarely makes an appearance, actually. so.... hello, kind stranger.

i have been reading things that have made me sort of frightened. these "things" being actual passages of how these people truly feel that i have grown to know so dearly. i would like to start out by saying:

• no. you've got it all wrong. i don't know who "they" are when they say "there's someone for everyone" but that's not true. saying that, and believing that, gives you a source of entitlement. no one is entitled to any person or object. that is my belief. i think once you have gotten the chance to find something or someone that you feel so wholly "belongs" to you, or rather, becomes such a large part of you, you should feel so, so grateful. there are so few people in the world that can actually live every day and say that they've experienced that kind of connection. i live each day believing that everything is a blessing, and that nothing worth having comes easy, which is what i believe that phrase to actually mean. i guess that means i have very little feeling in the definition of "fate".... which comes in handy right now as i re-watch the LOST series.  john locke states in this particular episode of season 3, "don't mistake coincidence with fate." i'm sorry mr. locke, but i can't say i agree with that. but i think that goes into a deeper level of things. and i'm a little inebriated to define those things at the moment.
• my sister is the most serious of serial daters. i think the opposite sex gives me a migraine. it physically doesn't, actually, at the moment, but the thought of "dating" or what people misconstrue or decide to define as "dating" is so moronic, i don't get the appeal. at all. it makes all the sense in the world to start out as friends, and have something click, that just grows into something stronger. but i guess that's what makes dating such a big "thing".. and i guess putting it that way makes it sound so "easy" but as per bulletin 1, nothing worth having comes easy. if dating were so easy, it wouldn't be a thing. but i digress. dating is so stupid. i don't care how many dudes at work i find attractive, (2),  i can't fathom actually trying to "put myself out there" in order for someone else to deem me "worthy." fuck. that. noise. i am awesome, all on my own, without anyone's approval (i mean, of course my family and friends' opinions matter to me to some degree) and fuck. what. you. think.
• jealousy. holy shit. i had no idea how "big" this "thing" is!! it is astonishing how much pride someone can have for oneself. or rather no pride. i...... i don't know. i'm at a loss for words. i keep going into something with a problem a friend or sister will have, and i will have no idea what to say that would be helpful. it just doesn't make sense. jealousy makes zero sense to me. but i can say with my bit of experience i have in the actual "dating" world, jealousy kind of comes with the territory. but in my defense, i had all the reason in the world to be "jealous" if that's even what i was. ok. yeah. i was totally jealous, there's no way of going around that. but then again. i could make all the excuses in the world about jealousy or why this happened or why that was like that, but it wouldn't mean anything.

go figure that 2012 happens to be the year i feel the most free. the year i feel the most like myself, and all the things i am able to accomplish, or at least to take the first steps. but here we are, and sandy's about to go HAM on the east coast. which may or may not even mean that the apocalypse is in full bloom. or whatever.

i miss going to school. i feel so uneducated. but at least i've got ideaaaaaaaas.

people are seriously voting for mitt romney this year, aren't they? ohhhh my achy, breaky heart.

i don't think i will make it to mumford & sons this month. this is such devastating news.

i've decided i am never falling in love ever the fuck again.

i have had a genuinely good day, every day, for the past three consecutive weeks. i don't know what it is, or why, but i dare not question it. i am so, so grateful.

this is shock top #4.

"i will wait, i will wait, for youuuuuuuuuuuuu." - mumford

if you are reading this, tell me how you feel.......... i feel like i haven't actually completely conversed with someone in such a long time. i don't think i've had a real conversation that took longer than a minute, in forever, since MARY! holy hell, i miss mary!!!!!!!

rumours is such a great album

is it possible to have more self-hate for oneself than i do for myself? where are you and when can i meet you? and also, while we're at it, could you bring the beer?

all i have wanted to do for the past (we'll call it) ten days is sit alone and cry. and i haven't been able to. i am at work nearly all the time and i feel like any given moment now, someone is going to look at me the wrong/right way and i will start bawling on the spot. it is so humiliating feeling this way. it's been so long since i've allowed myself to feel so vulnerable. and i've taken it too far. it doesn't even make sense at this point.

i don't know where it all stems from. but here's a list of possible factors:
- unrequited love. in every god damn sense of the god damn word.
- lack of appreciation
- lack of deserved attention, i guess, is a better way of describing that
- lack of funds
- lack of partying
- lack of friends
- lack of direction.

this has happened on more than one occasion in the span of two months where i talk crap about someone else because they're hitting on my best friend, and soon after, that person i talked to them about it is doing the same god damn thing. i don't think there is anyone on this earth who would like to listen to a single thing i have to say.

which i should add to the list:
- lack of brain because why did i say all those things to you?

on the plus side, i just applied for a new position. so god damn nervous.





all i want to do is listen to sad music in the dark by myself and cry.

naked juice is the tits. this stuff is so good.

sam weir

I have recently taken it upon myself to take the little time I have before I must get ready for work to play around with ze bloggy. So (almost) everything is new! That was fun. I could use more fun in my days lately.

I was tricked into thinking I had a day off finally. My supervisor called me and asked if I could work since someone called out. This was me:

Working there.. I can tell it gets very clique-y. I don't know how much I like that aspect of it. Maybe it's because they're so young. Not that I'm old at 23, but there is a large gap in between my 23, and about five of their 18-19-20.

Now, I am getting lost in the sounds of Mr. Ocean and the nostalgia of flipping through images I've once captured when I lived in LA and thought I was so cool taking all these cool pictures. No. They were ok.

Aw, man. Until next time. Please know I haven't reached happiness quite yet, but I can sense it is in my not too distant future.

i wanted more
i wanted more you, and me, and time
i wanted more to say
i wanted less to think, and less space between us

nothing is ever simple!!

moonrise kingdom. wes anderson always moves me. i don't care how pretentious it sounds.

filmit

Last of the New Years photos. Might I add that I am 100% in love with the Wheelock sisters.

Betsy Betserella

Half Gama

Play that funky music

I miss you, LA.....

Oceanside beachside bar.

En route to CoCo

Filthy animals

Oceanside beachside bar with Sandra and Robert *when he and I were still friends.

Celebrating Carlos's fight. Beer and dancing.

We know who won this round.....

Willow's attempt

A better version

Gem faire

Beach day - Lexi & Alex

Beach day - most of the gang

Beach day - paparazzi shot

Beach day

Beach day - HI-YAH!

Beach day - munching on pineapple and my spiderman blanket

Beach day - Christine on her island

Beach day - Andrew and his muscles

It's 3:30 AM, I have to be ready by 9. I will add more photos later, at a more reasonable time. Because before work, just doesn't sound reasonable to me.

Nein

Hard as I may try, I don't think I'll ever understand how a person just ISN'T into music. How can people just deny the strong emotions they feel when a certain scene in a movie plays the perfect song? Think about that scene without the song. The impact wOuld undoubtedly cease tO be the same. How do people just deny feeling what they feel? I don't know if I'm envious at the ability or if I'm genuinely curious. Just do whatever the fuck makes you happy, right? $50 on film development. Twelve god damn rolls to scan one by one. And that's all for now.

“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?”

- Don DeLillo

rorrim

i've started working.
i've also kickstarted an addiction to ebay.
i crave hearing the ocean.
and good hangs with the good friends.
and new adventures.
and laughter that hurts you in the gut.
i want forgiveness.
and experience.
and acceptance.
and solace.
and gratitude.
and my tax refund.

although they are just text on a screen, reading your words takes me home.

i am trying different ways to get organized. i wonder when i am going back to school. i guess that's up to me, isn't it.. my life these days is so boring. but that is peaceful to me. i used to get news alerts on my phone because i hated not knowing current events, but all i ever got were headlines that talked about mass killings or suicide bombings and while that is the tragic truth of real things that are happening, i personally can't do anything to stop this. and i hated it. so much.

today i gave someone $7 for gas money. i was robbed.

wish i was more selfless. sorry mom and dad.

note to self: take more pictures.

TLDR; bye.

I wish people didn't turn a blind eye to a lot of the horrible things happening. But I also wish people didn't jump on board to every last media schpeel. I also would like to ask why birth control is even an issue. Not so much this week, as there is a new issue every other week. Maybe I am looking for something to talk about. No, I will not re-post your Kony video.

I have recently seen The Skin I'm In which is a foreign film which was nicely executed but creepy and just super weird but kind of funny in a sick, twisted way. Antonio Banderas' accent. I can't. It's nothing compared to Esteban's from Weeds. His accent. Oye.

I have also just recently seen Something Borrowed which I've decided is so stupid, I can't even handle it. BUT JOHN KRASINSKI, my love....... It is basically about two people who are too big of cowards to let themselves feel what they feel for each other, which of course is a timeless tale, but, I mean, they're 30 years old... And John Krasinski gets the shit end of the stick for being the voice of reason and at the end also being the most vulnerable. Boys, don't allow yourself to fall for stupid chicks. And if you do, don't wait for them. And ladies, do not allow yourselves to be strung along while this asshole gets his cake and eats it too. That unrequited love story that I know all too well, it's not worth it..

I don't want to be missed just because you need someone to listen to all your shit and then don't wait to hear about me.

I don't want to hold all your bags anymore.

We talk every day, but I still wish you said more.

When did I become so... Empty.

TL;DR writing about nothing

I think it's funny that some people have a blog to write somewhere that is "private"...... BUT THIS IS THE INTERNET, BRO! Not a darn thing is private. And sometimes you learn that the hard way.

I am trying to fight the fact that I am listening to fun.'s new album so I can try to express every last emotion I am feeling, but I can't! The desire to dance. Is. Too. Strong.

I am bothered that I have all this film to develop, but no means or modes of transportation to take me to get them developed. I am also bothered that my macaroni tasted like crap today. I am annoyed that Midnight In Paris didn't get more Oscar nods, but everyone in the Academy is at least 87 years old, probably. I am annoyed that Rick Santorum exists. I am bothered that I cannot channel anything inside me to even try to write in prose. Everything I am currently typing is the result of thoughts from my brain vomiting its way out through my fingers onto this keyboard, onto this screen. And onto your eyeballs assuming you've made it this far. (Kudos.)

I don't know why people are going crazy over "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye. I can't find anything too interesting about the song, and the best part is the verse the girl sings.

Maybe it's a good thing that I currently can't allow myself to be vulnerable. It's a strange feeling though. Recently my friend had complained about family troubles and it made me think about myself and how my family troubles all seemed to have disappeared for a bit. Perhaps it is because I have not seen or talked to them in a few days or so, but I think I'll take it.

Since our TV can connect to the Internet, I decided to youtube Kenny songs since I got word that he released a new demo. And my mom came downstairs in the middle of it and saw the screen which just said "WAKING UP by DAPHNE LOVES DERBY" and so my mom looks at me and goes, "Who is that? I know them..." -___- My mother doesn't know me at all. Well, Mother, perhaps you recognize that name because I have only been obsessed with them since I was 13. (Mostly from the time I was 13 all the way to, say, about 16, but still clearly and unfortunately devoted.) And you've driven Christine and I to Huntington Beach so we could watch them play a second time in a row. Like a boss.

Also in the midst of discovering how this "Youtube on TV" thing works, I was able to experience Daphne in a way I never have before and it was quite refreshing. I wish I knew of a way to describe it. I took to my twitter but it was too much to handle, I am so embarrassed by how crazy I got. Which reminds me, why did I take Julian to see Kenny with me? Ugh, gross.

I am thinking about you a lot more frequently and while I don't like it, it almost doesn't hurt as badly. Also this strange time in my life, I feel like I am void of a lot of feelings. Like, I don't even remember what it feels like to have something to look forward to. I don't remember what it feels like to look at someone's smile and feel giddy over it, and then giggle uncontrollably. I don't want to say I am numb, because I'm not down. I am just void of human emotion these days, which sucks. Having crushes was fun, man. It wasn't anything serious, it was just something that distracted me from all the Julian shit. And while we can say we still keep in touch, it's not like we have anything to really say to each other. I miss getting to know someone, having any sort of connection, with anybody. I will say that I find it easier to talk to girls than to boys.. which sort of surprised me, but not really at the same time.

A lot of my current friends are jerks. Robert and Willow can really be assholes sometimes. Or at least the time frame I can accept being around them together is getting smaller. Because they're always the same, but I guess once they do the same stuff enough times, it starts to really irk you.

There was this dude at Tim's the other night and I thought he was cute but maybe it was his eyebrows, but it was because he somewhat sort of looks like Chris Carrabba and then I've decided he really wasn't cute. But also because he looked douchey.

Also the finale of Six Feet Under was beautifully executed. Not the entire finale, but mainly the last few minutes. And of fucking course they had to do that in the tune of Sia's "Breathe Me" which makes just about everyone want to kill themselves.

Mumford & Sleep. Okay then.

I'm obsessed.

The Yellow Deli

How is it that I have lived most of my life in San Diego and still know close to nothing about it? Today's exciting venture: The Yellow Deli. Granted this place has only been open for two years, but it was the area around it that I have never seen before. Right off the Vista Village Dr. exit, where the Krikorian Theater is, among other shops, there is this quaint peaceful hippie little area where this deli sits next to a small thrift store and a beading/fabric store that I also need to add to the list of future ventures. (The only time I remember going on Vista Village Drive was to visit Oscar at his "summer camp" aka jail.)

The only description I could think of is "Harry Potter meets Woodstock." Online, Christine found a Lord of the Rings reference that she thought was funny, which I am sure it is, but I have not seen the films.

This place is open Sunday afternoon all the way to Friday at 3pm, all 24 hours. So that is exciting. The food is all home made and they use fresh produce and all that junk. The drinks they also make themselves. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE THEY MADE THEMSELVES? THE ENTIRE BUILDING!! All the chairs, the wood, the steel!! I am in awe. When I looked at the menu, my mind immediately went to Charlavail because it looks like something she would enjoy. They only have about 8 locations, two of which are in California -- and the California locations are in Vista and Valley Center! Take that LA and San Francisco! Hesse and I have a friend-date there soon.

Christine has an iPhone now so I get to instagram on the go heh heh heh.

film spam

We fed ducks before work that day

Jimbo's salad bar for lunch. So tasty.

My kids wearing our food truck's shirt :)

OUR FOOD TRUCK!!!

Shoobie working at Jimbo's. (My pal Robert.)

A welcome home celebration before his deployment to Afghanistan. Miss you Gadiel.

Caramel apples :)

Cavin looking sharp for New Years Eve!

I really don't know what I was thinking asking David to take a picture of us girls...

Dinosaur slippers from The Children's Place

It rained before. So foreign to me now </3

Stone Brewery tour

Stone Brewery tour

Honda turtle. Christine's car broke down this day. This was my entertainment while we waited for AAA to come to the rescue (which it did but couldn't do anything about it.)

Favorite uncle/person ever, plus my "brother" :3