"stay safe"

it feels really hard to breathe lately.
and it's not from of the amount of cigarettes smoked daily
or the lack of water in my system
or the surplus of consumed alcohol
or the residue of burnt embers from the wildfires this week

but of the strain to find the right words to reach you.
ninety-five percent of the contents inside the vessel that pumps blood in my chest,
to the very tips of my fingers,
will never find its way to you;
and it's from the barriers you've put between us.
barriers i've long tried to break down
to no avail.
i won't dare stop.
i will huff, and i will puff;
until you disallow me to continue.
i know you are frightened, dear.
i am, too.
but i won't let you jump alone.
i will never let you feel alone.

cocoa loco

since we last left off:

• my best friend has already gone on her europe vacation and come back (last night actually)
• i have not been fired (yet)
• i introduced greg to maya and eli and now theyre all in love together and they even hang out without me these days ugh atrocious.
• still not over homeboy 1, or homeboy 2
• became besties with twitter again
• i listen to a lot of hip hop again, this is weird...
• "bubble butt" is both the best song and worst song ever
• i've been really enjoying my work lately.
• let me elaborate: i think i got used to the politics i see every day and i just ignore it. i show up, i do my work, i charm the fuck out of my guests, and hope i balance. i leave you alone, you leave me alone.
• yesterday i banged my finger against the wall and the pool table. it hurts so bad. but i beat greg hahahaha. it's swollen and purple right now and this happened over 12 hours ago. i hope i just need to ice it.
• i need to go shopping for maya's birthday.
• i'm leaving for dim sum soon.

i spit too much realness on twitter.

i'm really happy my best friend is back from europe.

whoever you are, wherever you are, i love you.

we had potential to be monumental

I am in the weirdest, most difficult transitional phase of my life that I have ever been through. None of it matters in the grand scheme of things, and they're all only personal problems. But no one taught me how to cope with a broken heart.

I'm pretty sure Scottie only hangs out with me because a) I'm always down and b) he just really wants to see my best friend. That's wack.

I've made an observation, though. I think deep down, "you" are really unhappy. You put on this facade of being positive all the time and looking to the light of things, but I think you are really just unhappy. And since I've met you in November, I've grown to love you, and I've grown to know you. It gets so sad to watch you sometimes. You can just tell, that there's been a bad taste in your mouth over everything. I don't know what it is that makes you so unhappy all the time, I only know that I'm not what you need, let alone what you want. I'll learn that in time, on my own. Occasional drunk talks between us, those kill me more than they heal me. But despite all that, you will always be my favorite person.

I've made face with another gentleman, who I've discovered to be nothing more than.... how do I make this kosher...... nothing more than a little bitch.

All these grown ass men chasing young ass girls, because it's easy. Because they have the power. Oh men, they LOVE that, don't they...

I have a coworker who is Indian. She was born in India and came to the states about 7 or so years ago. She's a year younger than I am, so I'm going to go with the statement that she grew up in the western world. She and I got to talking earlier today about arranged marriages, and how she doesn't agree with them. While I want to say that I can mostly agree with her, at least to the sentiment that I would never be involved in one, I have to say, I don't find them all that bad. People are faced with so much freedom, and so many choices, that they don't know what to do with themselves a lot of the time. And with that, often make mistakes that could have easily been avoided. Because we all know that we know better. But it takes that experience. People fight and break up all the time, people date for years and years and get married, and divorce, and maybe it's because they held on to what used to be. Because they can't get past the reality of the situation now, because they can't accept growing older, and the more adult problems they probably face. In a way, arranged marriages fixes that. You don't know the person ahead of time, yet you spend the rest of your life with this person. In a perfect world, you learn to love this person, and you learn to grow with them and have a family, because the choice is already made for you. In a way, arranged marriages saves you from all the bullshit. You learn how to just be happy with what you've got. But by no means do I support settling. I just have a fucked up view of love.

Take homeboy for example. He broke up with his girlfriend of almost 2 years. Dude's 23, she's 18. First of all, what the fuck are you thinking dating a baby? Anyway. So they broke up and he's got girls up the ass throwing themselves at him. And he's "certain" that he's done with his ex once and for all. Yet here he is, talking to her every day, hanging out with her, and when shit gets real and maybe she decides to talk to him about getting back together, he backs out and says he doesn't want to hurt her. Well what the fuck do you think talking to her every day and hanging out with her does? Sometimes you need to hurt people. To move on. Because now you're just stuck. Stuck with the same issue that hasn't been properly dealt with, all because you're a little bitch. No, I'm sorry, that makes you an asshole. Someones feelings are at stake. You're being a selfish fuck because this is familiar, and this is easy for you. And I feel sorry for you. Poor girl has no idea.

I told my supervisors that I was pretty sure I'm getting fired hahahaha. It's not really a joke, I'm actually totally serious when I say that. But I will let the chips fall where they may. They have assured me that is not the case. Then my argument to that is why are you always on my ass?!

I haven't written anything real in so long.

"Find what you love, and let it kill you." - Bukowski

oh, internet..........

today i got sad at work. i think i feel like i don't have anything to look forward to anymore; that i've gotten a glimpse of my full time work life and i've decided that this was it. *shrug*

wait

drinking shock top after work by myself. i feel like such a man. having a full time job will be an interesting change in my life. shadowing today, people seemed rather impressed with how quickly i grasped things. one of my mates even took it upon himself to give himself props for putting in a good word for me, which is awesome, because i am forever grateful since this is a job that proves more meaningful than the others, but at what point am i allowed to credit myself? i'm just kidding, this is the shock top speaking. and my ego, which very rarely makes an appearance, actually. so.... hello, kind stranger.

i have been reading things that have made me sort of frightened. these "things" being actual passages of how these people truly feel that i have grown to know so dearly. i would like to start out by saying:

• no. you've got it all wrong. i don't know who "they" are when they say "there's someone for everyone" but that's not true. saying that, and believing that, gives you a source of entitlement. no one is entitled to any person or object. that is my belief. i think once you have gotten the chance to find something or someone that you feel so wholly "belongs" to you, or rather, becomes such a large part of you, you should feel so, so grateful. there are so few people in the world that can actually live every day and say that they've experienced that kind of connection. i live each day believing that everything is a blessing, and that nothing worth having comes easy, which is what i believe that phrase to actually mean. i guess that means i have very little feeling in the definition of "fate".... which comes in handy right now as i re-watch the LOST series.  john locke states in this particular episode of season 3, "don't mistake coincidence with fate." i'm sorry mr. locke, but i can't say i agree with that. but i think that goes into a deeper level of things. and i'm a little inebriated to define those things at the moment.
• my sister is the most serious of serial daters. i think the opposite sex gives me a migraine. it physically doesn't, actually, at the moment, but the thought of "dating" or what people misconstrue or decide to define as "dating" is so moronic, i don't get the appeal. at all. it makes all the sense in the world to start out as friends, and have something click, that just grows into something stronger. but i guess that's what makes dating such a big "thing".. and i guess putting it that way makes it sound so "easy" but as per bulletin 1, nothing worth having comes easy. if dating were so easy, it wouldn't be a thing. but i digress. dating is so stupid. i don't care how many dudes at work i find attractive, (2),  i can't fathom actually trying to "put myself out there" in order for someone else to deem me "worthy." fuck. that. noise. i am awesome, all on my own, without anyone's approval (i mean, of course my family and friends' opinions matter to me to some degree) and fuck. what. you. think.
• jealousy. holy shit. i had no idea how "big" this "thing" is!! it is astonishing how much pride someone can have for oneself. or rather no pride. i...... i don't know. i'm at a loss for words. i keep going into something with a problem a friend or sister will have, and i will have no idea what to say that would be helpful. it just doesn't make sense. jealousy makes zero sense to me. but i can say with my bit of experience i have in the actual "dating" world, jealousy kind of comes with the territory. but in my defense, i had all the reason in the world to be "jealous" if that's even what i was. ok. yeah. i was totally jealous, there's no way of going around that. but then again. i could make all the excuses in the world about jealousy or why this happened or why that was like that, but it wouldn't mean anything.

go figure that 2012 happens to be the year i feel the most free. the year i feel the most like myself, and all the things i am able to accomplish, or at least to take the first steps. but here we are, and sandy's about to go HAM on the east coast. which may or may not even mean that the apocalypse is in full bloom. or whatever.

i miss going to school. i feel so uneducated. but at least i've got ideaaaaaaaas.

people are seriously voting for mitt romney this year, aren't they? ohhhh my achy, breaky heart.

i don't think i will make it to mumford & sons this month. this is such devastating news.

i've decided i am never falling in love ever the fuck again.

i have had a genuinely good day, every day, for the past three consecutive weeks. i don't know what it is, or why, but i dare not question it. i am so, so grateful.

this is shock top #4.

"i will wait, i will wait, for youuuuuuuuuuuuu." - mumford

if you are reading this, tell me how you feel.......... i feel like i haven't actually completely conversed with someone in such a long time. i don't think i've had a real conversation that took longer than a minute, in forever, since MARY! holy hell, i miss mary!!!!!!!

rumours is such a great album

is it possible to have more self-hate for oneself than i do for myself? where are you and when can i meet you? and also, while we're at it, could you bring the beer?

all i have wanted to do for the past (we'll call it) ten days is sit alone and cry. and i haven't been able to. i am at work nearly all the time and i feel like any given moment now, someone is going to look at me the wrong/right way and i will start bawling on the spot. it is so humiliating feeling this way. it's been so long since i've allowed myself to feel so vulnerable. and i've taken it too far. it doesn't even make sense at this point.

i don't know where it all stems from. but here's a list of possible factors:
- unrequited love. in every god damn sense of the god damn word.
- lack of appreciation
- lack of deserved attention, i guess, is a better way of describing that
- lack of funds
- lack of partying
- lack of friends
- lack of direction.

this has happened on more than one occasion in the span of two months where i talk crap about someone else because they're hitting on my best friend, and soon after, that person i talked to them about it is doing the same god damn thing. i don't think there is anyone on this earth who would like to listen to a single thing i have to say.

which i should add to the list:
- lack of brain because why did i say all those things to you?

on the plus side, i just applied for a new position. so god damn nervous.





all i want to do is listen to sad music in the dark by myself and cry.

naked juice is the tits. this stuff is so good.